27 Dec 2014(Baby's birthday)

Just came back from the baby's birthday dinner ..
He didn't turn up to be in the dinner..
Should be a good thing to be..
But.. Still.. the dinner just is not a good one..
Everything can be said to be in a smooth way..
But I can feel that it is still lacking something..
I guess it is called as family bond....
However, still wish the baby a happy birthday.. =)
No matter what, I believe everyone is wishing him sincerely ..

Well~
The more I grow up, the more I will realise the truth of this world..
Truth is always cruel.. :')
Whether to accept it or not.. It just happen to be in that way ...
I thought it should be a good dinner without his presence..
No doubt it should really be...
Before this, this big family is already having a lot of problems..
Either it is caused by the tragedy, or not.
During the dinner just now..
My aunt along with her son, was sitting with my uncle's family on the same table..
Suddenly heard some argument between them..
If I am not mistaken, it's about money or something..
And then my aunt left..
Since I have no idea what's the matter about,
I cannot judge anything on anyone..
But the dinner just ruined up like that?
Aunt left silently but I believe everyone did realise that.. I guess?
Earlier I thought she went to toilet,
But after few minutes, I went to toilet to see whether she was there or not..
At least can try to make the situation better?
I think she really left..

The dinner still goes on..
Went to toilet for 2nd or some random times..
And I met my another aunt..
She asked me did HE was invited or not?
Why he didn't turn up ..
What I can say is just "don't know" ..
Even she replied me with a "你什么都不知道的哦"
I knew that she isn't being offensive..
I know.. they all are just concerning about him..
I wanted to ask whether she know that he is married..
But if possible..
I hope that all of you will never know about that..
Since young, everyone can see, can witness,
How good are you all towards him..
How much love, concern ..
But in the end? I knew that all of you are so so so disappointed..
But I just can't do anything..
At that moment, what came across my mind.. 
is that his presence... is just OUT OF MY CONCERN
I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT IT ...
Yes, you may say that.. he is still my bro..
Even he himself said that to me.. such sarcastic..
For now.. I think I finally made up my mind..
Whatever shit bromance, brothership or whatever it is..
My resentment will never be overcome by anything..
Now you are so arrogant, so proud of yourself..
One  day later.. even for now I am not sure how,
I will definitely make you regret, totally regret for what you have done.
What is done cannot be undone..
But the one who made mistakes will be, or I can say should be the one who get punished,
Not his family or anyone else !!

I guess.. 2014 is just not my year..
2015 please come with good luck ?
I had quarrel with her..
I kept say sorry and ask her not to be unhappy..
I know it may not be a really good way to get her back to be happy..
But I just really don't have good mood..
Maybe I am a failure..
Not a good bf..
When i were studying with my friends,
due to being in a bad mood condition caused by home problem & argument with her
I almost have misunderstanding with my friends..
Yet, I saw a post by her, whereby she would tell her first feeling towards he/she..
I asked her who did she reply to..
And there were a few guys..
I guess, I am still concerning so much ...
Since early stage we were together, even she chat with a guy,
I would easily get myself jealous, I am just so care..
However.. for now.. I have no idea whether it is correct to be caring so much....
When I tell her about my feeling.. her response really brought me down ..
She said that if not, I want her to be unhappy all the time?
And I told that what I said is useless but others ... ?
She told me that, I would only ask her not to be unhappy when she was unhappy..
I guess.. maybe she is right, I am such a failure..
I have no idea what to do now ..
I wanted to make things better, but no matter how much sorry it is useless..
I really have no mood.. So much emotions now..
How can I be happy and make her happy?
I don't feel like sleeping.. don't feel like doing anything..
But I can't sit still.. That is why I am here...

When can I put an end on all these?
I lost a brother..
Almost lost some friends?
Now my relationship became like this?
Family became like this?
What else?
I am tired...
Maybe because of the tragedy..
I am carrying a negative emotions..
to her.. and to my friends around me ?
I have no idea......
I have had enough...
Really enough ........

26 Dec 2014

It's 10:43PM now ..
Well ....
Since the tragedy started..
The consequences just non-stop continuing..
Tomorrow will be my cousin's son's birthday
Not sure how to name him as my relative in a proper way.. @@
No doubt, it should be a good and a happy day..
However ...
Hopefully HE wont be coming to the birthday dinner..
I just don't want to see him..
If possible.. NOT ANYMORE..
What I had for him now..
is nothing else instead of resentment, hate..
These resentment..
I will neither forget, nor forgive
Am just... feeling FAIL..
Fail as a family member
Fail as a son..
Fail as a brother ...

Final exam is just around the corner..
Don't think I am even prepared for it ...
This semester..
I ruined my courseworks.. horribly....
Such ridiculous.....
Who am I?
What am I?
Everything just went so wrong..
What's right? What's wrong?
Confused...

I am really regret..
I should have stopped him..
At least, no letting him be what he wanted to be..
If there is anything I could do or forgone..
To make the situation better..
I can give out everything I have..
Had enough of these ...

11 Oct 2014

Its 10:14PM now ..
had a bad argue with her..
it is regarding my sem 2 college studies project..
CCV charity event ..
i was elected as the project manager..
if possible.. i wouldn't want to be..
I WOULD NOT !
about the reason we argue..
she is the finance leader..
her group members..
which was divided according to the class students' wish to join which department..
they dont really contribute to the tasks given..
we already had an argue about this before.. just on the day that the group members was divided..
i told her.. i will be helping her in any situation
n our frens will help as well..
i dont think i can control the class people to force them into groups as my wish..
and since the name list i already out..
any amendment will surely make noises/argue

few days ago..
i started to seek for sponsorship for this project online..
sending my proposal to several companies..
and yesterday there is a company replied me..
the company wanted an official letter and also further information..
i told her about that..
and then settle it with after dealing wif my tutor..
btw,the process was a bit tough..
quite a lot of problems i met..
filling up the template.. mistakes.. n then resend.. Zzz
working in a sick situation + under aircond is really really uncomfortable..
i got fever and headache..
but not wanted to drag the work to the next day because i dont want her to feel uneasy or unsecured on her position as the finance leader
after i settle the matter..
i continued finding for companies to send the proposal..
when i had no idea.. i pm her for any ideas..
she added me into her finance group inbox..
but there is a group member talking some bullshits..
i guess that made her irritated..
she pm me and said that.. last time she already told me about the group member problem
she said.. i told her the name list wont be troublesome to our work..
i was totally broke down..
i thought i had been working hard for it..
now we already got a reply from a company..
but i got blame now ...
this feeling just isnt good.. its bad..
i didnt request for anything in return..
but is that wat i deserved? for being blamed?
maybe.. i am not a good leader..
but i did my best to get everything done..
not only the finance group have a problem.. the promotion group did too..
the leader made a meeting and at last ended up canceling..
im not comparing or whatsoever..
but.. why do these happen on me ?
if u think im bad or nt suitable to be a leader..
u can tell me..
but now..
i tried to break to cold between us..
but she still answering me coldly..
i really got tired now..
i have no idea what should i do now..
when i tried my best to get everything done smoothly..
and there's a small achievement already..
i thought when the company replied.. it was a good start for the project.. for us..
but i got blamed..
now.. even.. she doesnt wanted to talk to me..
greatz....
maybe i deserve it ?

i am really tired now ....
there is nothing that i want to do now ..
can i get away from all these?
i dont feel like moving.. or doing anything....
im exhausted...
really tired....
can i pause my life n have a break?
is that possible ?
stress...
i think i shall stop here..
not in the situation to go on..
(to be continued......)

15/8/2014

再一次证明..
当你要守护一个人
成果或许会反转

昨晚，或许是这生人最可悲的夜晚吧 ...
和她吵架
家里出事
心情超低落中找东西和她聊
却被当作根本不想哄回她

当你守护一个人，
他未必会珍惜
甚至可能返回来伤害你
是不是这样？
麻木了.. 累 ...
当时老爸是多么的生气
甚至拿起了木棍
我什么也不理 就上前去替你挡
甚至和老爸翻脸
家人都责怪我
说这一切都是我在袒护你
我不介意
我只希望你没事
就算隔天就是我重要的考试
我也不理
又如何 ...
你始终做出了令我心碎失望的事
现在，你确实我最痛恨的人
我永远也不会原谅的人
世界就是那么的残酷？
如果你只是不在
或许不会那么痛苦吧
为什么要一而再再而三的带来伤害
一次又一次把伤害带回来

前晚和你吵架
就因为我说还不确定 看怎样先
就代表我不要你的东西 ..
如果我真的嫌弃你的东西
我们有可能在一起那么久吗
我会不顾一切的为你付出吗
还是我所做的一切
根本不算什么 ....
我只不过在想你妈妈会不会赶着回
我妈妈也是平时都得空
就这样罢了...
我没有别的意思
只是顾虑到你妈妈..
就要搞到这样
还是，其实是我自己想太多罢了？
我不知道了...
昨天在学院
你到了 也不信息我
直到我信息你才回
没关系..
我出去找你
你对我也只是不理不睬
在班
我就像个透明人
拿了PM分数
算分也根本不理我
没关系 我自己算 ...
出去看分数
没想到..
我坐在你右边
你却推掉你的桌子
和你的朋友直接出去
完全不理我
我只能... 自己一个人去看..
或许是我的错
这是我的报应吧 ...
后来讲堂结束
我去陪你等你妈妈
我想遮你上车
因为下雨
你不要 然后我借你雨伞
那时候我从远处看到你妈妈的车停在对面
怕你不懂会不会过马路
那时候，我跑出去看你上车
后来看到你妈妈转来靠近的这边
直到看到你上车，我才回去讲堂
看到你安全上车
就安心了 ..

你说我一天多也不要哄回你
我真的不知道该怎样
或许真的是我的错吧
对不起 ...

其实
上网买手表，
说送你当生日礼物
只是个掩饰
我想过了
你的电话最近有问题
特别是打电话的时候
我想过了
想要买部lenovo的给你
不是很好也不是很贵
普通能用..
我已经跟哥哥商量好
看看哪个比较好
我可能跟他借钱慢慢还他
in case 如果我的储蓄不够

或许，
现在说什么也没有用了吧
我没有怪你
要怪
也只能怪自己吧 ...
一切也是由我而起 ...
什么是对 什么是错 ..
我不知道了 ....
末期考就要到了
希望不会因为我而影响到你吧..
希望你可以一直快乐吧
只要你快乐
就可以了。。。

Sorry for everything ..

24 May 2014

It had been a long long time..

that i never wrote on blog..

recently moved on to my tertiary studies,

at TAR UC..

it wasn't bad over there..

Today not going to talk much about this.

Currently not really having a good mood.

The time now is 00:04 ...

It's a new day now..

but wont be a new life for a new day..

still being so DOWNNNN..

Yesterday,after sending her to home..

on the way to pick up W.A. ..

it'd been a long n complicated journey..

it ended up to be about 1.5 hours to reach his home..

it was partly due to the traffic jam at this setapak kl area..

especially during that time.. Zzzzzz..

As a result, I ended up to be unable to contact her by sms..

i knw it had been quite a time that i didnt message to her..

i realised that. but this traffic is not allowing me to do anything to contact her. And that complicated process while searching for W.A. ...

She got mad at me.. i knw she's so worried.

I really know that.. but i just cant help with it.

So when i reach a junction, I tried to phone her,but she can't answer..

When i get backed to my aunt home, I tried my best to explain everything that i faced to her, one by one, bit by bit..

But.. I'm not sure whether she do really considering / accept it or not..

When i found W.A. and pick him up, my car was in middle of the road, so I hv to immediately forward my car to avoid traffic jam.

And the worse fact was the damn terrible traffic jam at the LRT area and WM area due to renovation on road.

Had a terrible time overthere...

For now... I had a quarrel with her..

I hope she can understand my hard situation.

I can't simply stop my car and send a msg to her..

She said I just dont know about her feelings...

Maybe ... for her , I am a bf who don't understand her...

But I didnt blame her for that..

Maybe , I am not good enough.. to own her..

maybe.......... I am just sucks ?

I started to get confused...

What's the correct and wrong choices...

Should I just stop the car and send a msg to her..

I really dn knw..

When I opened her fb and saw plenty of conversations between her and other guys..

I really got jealous.. she didnt even told my anything about those..

And when I ask her.. I understood on that moment..

Maybe those were just some normal phenomenon. There isn't a necessity to inform / tell me..

Alright , I understand. You'll have your own freedom..

Maybe.. I blocked ur own freedom..

Made u feel uneasy, Made u feel controlled.

It's ok...

I admit I am selfish..

Maybe, I have no right, to get jealous..

I will give u the freedom you want..

I wont simply open ur inbox anymore...

Really feel tired now..

totally exhausted..

woke up early morning..

driving..

classes..

driving for a long time.. seriously exhausting..

tired now, yet doesn't feel wanna sleep...

tmr hv to wake up early..

but just cant make myself into bed..

This feel isn't good.. AT ALL..

It's just like.. feeling lost..

I lost my direction...

What's the right and wrong...

I really didnt blame u for being worried..

I just hope u listen to my explanation.. at least listen to it..

Or I am just so bad.. so not worthy to trust on...??

I know.. 

I am not good..

I am under qualified..

Sorry,

for being a bad, sucks , disappointing bf..

SORRY...

maybe..

u wouldn't want to chat on me anymore..

maybe..

I shouldn't disturb you, and bring more troubles and worries to you..

maybe.. you are right..

you dont want to talk to me anymore..

is the right choice..

maybe i just dont deserve it..

SORRY..

i will get away..

so you won't have these kinds of troubles anymore..

hope you like this colour of font? :')

SORRY,MY GIRL...

GOODBYE........