27 Dec 2014(Baby's birthday)

Just came back from the baby's birthday dinner ..
He didn't turn up to be in the dinner..
Should be a good thing to be..
But.. Still.. the dinner just is not a good one..
Everything can be said to be in a smooth way..
But I can feel that it is still lacking something..
I guess it is called as family bond....
However, still wish the baby a happy birthday.. =)
No matter what, I believe everyone is wishing him sincerely ..

Well~
The more I grow up, the more I will realise the truth of this world..
Truth is always cruel.. :')
Whether to accept it or not.. It just happen to be in that way ...
I thought it should be a good dinner without his presence..
No doubt it should really be...
Before this, this big family is already having a lot of problems..
Either it is caused by the tragedy, or not.
During the dinner just now..
My aunt along with her son, was sitting with my uncle's family on the same table..
Suddenly heard some argument between them..
If I am not mistaken, it's about money or something..
And then my aunt left..
Since I have no idea what's the matter about,
I cannot judge anything on anyone..
But the dinner just ruined up like that?
Aunt left silently but I believe everyone did realise that.. I guess?
Earlier I thought she went to toilet,
But after few minutes, I went to toilet to see whether she was there or not..
At least can try to make the situation better?
I think she really left..

The dinner still goes on..
Went to toilet for 2nd or some random times..
And I met my another aunt..
She asked me did HE was invited or not?
Why he didn't turn up ..
What I can say is just "don't know" ..
Even she replied me with a "你什么都不知道的哦"
I knew that she isn't being offensive..
I know.. they all are just concerning about him..
I wanted to ask whether she know that he is married..
But if possible..
I hope that all of you will never know about that..
Since young, everyone can see, can witness,
How good are you all towards him..
How much love, concern ..
But in the end? I knew that all of you are so so so disappointed..
But I just can't do anything..
At that moment, what came across my mind.. 
is that his presence... is just OUT OF MY CONCERN
I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT IT ...
Yes, you may say that.. he is still my bro..
Even he himself said that to me.. such sarcastic..
For now.. I think I finally made up my mind..
Whatever shit bromance, brothership or whatever it is..
My resentment will never be overcome by anything..
Now you are so arrogant, so proud of yourself..
One  day later.. even for now I am not sure how,
I will definitely make you regret, totally regret for what you have done.
What is done cannot be undone..
But the one who made mistakes will be, or I can say should be the one who get punished,
Not his family or anyone else !!

I guess.. 2014 is just not my year..
2015 please come with good luck ?
I had quarrel with her..
I kept say sorry and ask her not to be unhappy..
I know it may not be a really good way to get her back to be happy..
But I just really don't have good mood..
Maybe I am a failure..
Not a good bf..
When i were studying with my friends,
due to being in a bad mood condition caused by home problem & argument with her
I almost have misunderstanding with my friends..
Yet, I saw a post by her, whereby she would tell her first feeling towards he/she..
I asked her who did she reply to..
And there were a few guys..
I guess, I am still concerning so much ...
Since early stage we were together, even she chat with a guy,
I would easily get myself jealous, I am just so care..
However.. for now.. I have no idea whether it is correct to be caring so much....
When I tell her about my feeling.. her response really brought me down ..
She said that if not, I want her to be unhappy all the time?
And I told that what I said is useless but others ... ?
She told me that, I would only ask her not to be unhappy when she was unhappy..
I guess.. maybe she is right, I am such a failure..
I have no idea what to do now ..
I wanted to make things better, but no matter how much sorry it is useless..
I really have no mood.. So much emotions now..
How can I be happy and make her happy?
I don't feel like sleeping.. don't feel like doing anything..
But I can't sit still.. That is why I am here...

When can I put an end on all these?
I lost a brother..
Almost lost some friends?
Now my relationship became like this?
Family became like this?
What else?
I am tired...
Maybe because of the tragedy..
I am carrying a negative emotions..
to her.. and to my friends around me ?
I have no idea......
I have had enough...
Really enough ........

26 Dec 2014

It's 10:43PM now ..
Well ....
Since the tragedy started..
The consequences just non-stop continuing..
Tomorrow will be my cousin's son's birthday
Not sure how to name him as my relative in a proper way.. @@
No doubt, it should be a good and a happy day..
However ...
Hopefully HE wont be coming to the birthday dinner..
I just don't want to see him..
If possible.. NOT ANYMORE..
What I had for him now..
is nothing else instead of resentment, hate..
These resentment..
I will neither forget, nor forgive
Am just... feeling FAIL..
Fail as a family member
Fail as a son..
Fail as a brother ...

Final exam is just around the corner..
Don't think I am even prepared for it ...
This semester..
I ruined my courseworks.. horribly....
Such ridiculous.....
Who am I?
What am I?
Everything just went so wrong..
What's right? What's wrong?
Confused...

I am really regret..
I should have stopped him..
At least, no letting him be what he wanted to be..
If there is anything I could do or forgone..
To make the situation better..
I can give out everything I have..
Had enough of these ...